My Heart It Heavy

My Heart is heavy today for many reasons but first I want to remind all of you fellow readers that this blog is my journal, my scrapbook my life and I may write things you disagree with or even hate or I might post pictures that are inappropriate....  And for that I apologize but this blog is here for me, I would make it a private blog but there are a few readers that love to read my blog and love to see my kids so therefore its free for you all to see, with that being said I need to get some things off my chest and I need to let my heart breath...

As you know Treycen has been a challenge from day one and I blame myself 100% at at the beginning I was no where near the mom I should have been and wanted to be...  I worked full time and I was more focused on my work than raising my son...  I let a lot of things fall through the cracks and I let daycare, in-laws and family deal with him and discipline him the way they saw fit because I was just too busy or too tired to care...

I now have another child starting his terrible twos and learning everything from his big brother...  Treycen is a sweet little boy but he has aggression, hatred, anger and some other major behavioral problems...  I have read book after book and I have tried everything I could do to fix this behavior...  I have fell short every time and everyday it gets more and more exhausting and more challenging.. I have broke down and cried in the privacy of my own closet and prayed that god fixes him...  I pray every night for him to get better or to give me the strength and patience I need to help him...  He is now on two medications to help with his ADHD...  Clonodine and now Riddelin patches...  I do not believe in medication, I believe they hide the true problem and so I have been researching Brain Balance...  Its a new center here in St. George that has a program for kids with ADHD, Autism, Dyslexia and other disorders...  The center is great, and they have a 12 week course that is suppose to help these type of kids by repairing their brain imbalances... Basically the brain has two hemispheres, a right hemisphere and a left hemisphere and when they have not developed together, it creates a brain imbalance...  One side of the brain grew slower than the other... Many things can cause this brain imbalance from the beginning of pregnancy all the way to their 2nd birthday...  Once again I blame myself, because of my emotional roller-coaster and stress I put on my body for the first 5 months of my pregnancy...  So the Brain Balance center costs a lot of money...  I mean we are talking about thousands of dollars...  I wish Jared and I were financially stable enough to put him in this program but at this time in our lives we are un able to do so...  I did however buy their "Groundbreaking new at-home program" book...  This book is designed to help those kids whose parents are not fortunate enough to have their children in the program...  Its a step by step at home guide...  Jared and I have taken the written assessment for Treycen and he is only 1 point off...  Meaning is left brain is growing faster than is right by one point...  So his imbalance is very little so within 12 weeks of this program his brain should function 100% normal and the behavioral problems should disappear and he will be the sweet loving Treycen we all know and love...  Or so that's what I am hoping for...

In committing to this program I have also made some huge lifestyle changes in the way I approach situations and the things I allow my boys to do such as:  They have never had a specific bedtime, they can eat whenever they want and do pretty much whatever they want...  My boys have had very little if not at all structure and boundaries...  I again take blame I have never been consistent or made that a priority in their everyday life...  Well since Brain Balance requires such a commitment in the exercises you do everyday and the nutrition program that is placed on them, I figure what better opportunity to take back my parental rights and start giving my boys a structured scheduled lifestyle...  In doing so I have made some house rules and some guidelines that not only I expect me to follow or Jared but my in-laws, my family and everyone who plays a roll in Treycens life...  In doing so, I have hurt a lot of feelings and broken a lot of my relationships...  My heart is heavy today because I lost faith and trust in myself and in the people who I love the most...  My intention was only to do what I thought was best for my boys but instead I created heartbreak, drama, betrayal and possibly broke my marriage...

It is so hard being a mom, and a wife and deciding on what risks to take and what roads to travel...  Who has my back, who loves me unconditionally and supports me...  Who respects me as a mom and wants me to be the best person I can be...  I have made so many wrong choices in my life and have taken so many dark roads and fell on my face more times than any one person should...  I want to be the very best mother, wife and person I can be...  But sometimes I fall short of that person I want to be and the person I think I am...  I want my boys to grow up strong men, respectful men, hardworking, loving, caring etc...  The men in my life sucked... I had an abusive, mean ass of a father and a brother who was not so nice or caring... I have only one male role model in my life and that's my Grandpa Billy...  If my boys grow up to be half the man he is then I did something right...

Its hard making the right choices for my kids...  If I send them to this school over that school are they going to be better or if I teach them baptist beliefs over LDS beliefs are they going to be better people or are they are going to be lost...  I have to make hard choices everyday when it comes to my boys...  I may not make the right choices, I may lead them astray...  I don't know what kind of men my boys are going to be but I want to be the best mother I know how to be and in doing so, I may hurt a lot of people and I may make enemies but I am doing the best I can and I am doing what I think is right in my heart...